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Since 01/02/00

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Disclaimer:  This page is meant to make you laugh. They are jokes and are not meant to be taken literally.  READ ON...

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The Talking Parrot      Top

A guy walks into a pet store wanting to buy a talking bird. He sees a parrot and says to the bird, "Hey, can you speak, Stupid?" The bird replies, "Yes, can you fly, Dummy?"

A Burglar & A Parrot       Top

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you!" the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said, "Jesus is watching you?'" "Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and said, "Whew! Then I've got nothing to worry about." The parrot said, "That's what you think... Sic 'em Jesus!"

A Priest's Parrot      Top

This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence, which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time, embarrassing the owner to no end.

Finally, he went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot problem. The priest replied, "I have a parrot who also only knows one sentence. He always says, "Let us pray." Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the end of the day."

So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priest's parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out, "Let's make love."

The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said, "My prayers have been answered."

The Magician & His Parrot      Top

A magician was performing on a cruise ship. Each night while performing,
his parrot kept saying, "It's up his sleeve! It's in his pocket! It's in his shoe!
It's in his pants!" This annoyed the magician greatly. One night, while he was doing his tricks, the ship's boiler blew up and the ship sank. The magician was able to grab onto a table and survived. The parrot, who also made it to the table, kept looking quizzically at him as they drifted at sea. Finally, on the 4th day the parrot looked at its master and said, "I give up... what did you do with the ship?"

The Christmas Parrot      Top

A pet store had a parrot they were selling as a "talking bird." A customer walked in and asked, "What does this parrot say?" The store owner replied, "Light a match under the parrot's left foot and see for yourself." The customer did and the parrot started singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way..."
"Now try the right foot," said the owner. The customer moved the match under the parrot's right foot and the parrot started singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..." "That's neat," the customer said. "But what if I hold the match BETWEEN the parrot's feet?" "I don't know," said the owner. "Try it." So the customer lit another match and held it between the parrot's feet. The parrot hesitated, then started singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

Chirpees     Top

I took my bird to the vet because he was sick. The vet said he had bad news and good news. The bad news was that bird has chirpees. The good news was that it is tweetable!

Foul Mouthed Parrot      

Once there was this man who owned a parrot. Like other parrots, this one could talk but it preferred to swear. In fact it could swear for hours on end without taking a break. The problem with all of this was that the man was a quiet, conservative man and all this swearing was driving him crazy. One day the parrot was carrying on again and the man had finally had enough. So he jumped up, grabbed the parrot, and starting yelling at it to stop cursing. This only made the parrot curse more until the guy finally lost his temper and shoved the parrot into a cabinet.

The parrot got quiet for a few seconds, but then started cursing even worse than before. It started scratching at the door and making a horrible racket until finally the man let it out. Losing his temper completely the man shoved the parrot into the freezer and slammed the door shut. Again the parrot started cursing and carrying on, but then it quieted down and didn't do anything for a couple minutes. By this time the man was starting to get worried that the parrot was dead so he opened the door.

Quickly the parrot flew out onto the man's shoulder and said, "I'm terribly sorry about my foul language and rude behavior. I'll do my best to improve them in the future." The man was stunned at how polite the parrot was behaving and was quite pleased with himself. Then the parrot leaned over to the guy, motioned at the freezer, and said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"



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